Nicola Sturgeon, Scotlands first Minister, has been banging on, yet again, about holding another referendum on Scottish independence and is proposing to hold a plebiscite during October 2023. This is despite the fact she lost the so-called 'once in a lifetime' independence referendum in 2014.
If the people of Scotland go mad and vote to break away from the historical union with England, Northern Ireland and Wales, she is proposing that Scotland should then join the EU. I have been thinking of the scenario if and when this comes about, it will no doubt go like this as Nicola Sturgeon knocks on the EU's door.
Knock Knock. "Who's there?", "Nicola", "Nicola who?", "Sturgeon", "That sounds fishy to me, what do you want?", "Membership of the EU". "H'mm", replies the EU negotiator. "And what amount of money can you bring as Scotlands net contributions to the EU budget?". "Ah", replies Nicola, "I was rather hoping for Scotland to be a net recipient, we have no money and for some strange reason the English taxpayers have stopped giving us the £billions it used to under the Barnett Formula ever since we told those Sassenachs to go and stuff their Parliament where the sun doesn't shine!".
The EU negotiator gives a sharp intake of breath: "No money eh, those English are a funny lot, they objected to giving us in the EU many £billions too, so we are also rather short since they upped and left our wonderful bureaucratic empire and no longer contribute to help our various EU Presidents, MEPs and Commissioners in the lavish lifestyles they have become accustomed to, I am not sure we can really afford Scotland too."
"Oh my", said Nicola, "This is a problem, I was really looking forward to lots of EU handouts, we have not only lost the Barnett funds, we have lost money too from losing the nuclear submarine base at Faslane, then our shipyards have lost Royal Navy orders as the English government have moved their contracts to English shipyards. Added to that, the North Sea oil we always claimed was Scottish oil, is, in reality, English oil and they have decided to bring it ashore in the north East of England - so that's gone too, we are in a pickle".
The EU negotiator rubbed his chin and thought for a moment before saying: "Look here Nicola, I will have a chat with my EU chums, we really want to get one over on those English blighters and it would be good revenge to let you in, we will see if we can accommodate you. We can't really afford yet another impoverished country, what with the club Med countries all going broke due to the introduction of the euro, which, by the way, you would have to adopt too as a member so your new found independence would be short lived". "Och aye" declared Nicola, "Nae bother, it's the money we want".
The negotiator was unsure: "So you are happy to lose your fiscal independence, what about the shed load of EU rules, regulations, laws and dictates that we have been accruing from the the signing of the Treaty of Rome in 1957? There are reams and reams of them, they would all become law in Scotland the moment you joined - and you would not be allowed by the EU to repeal or amend them. Also, don't forget all Scottish fish caught by your fishermen would be EU fish and highly regulated, nor will you be allowed to make your own trade deals, we decide that for you and naturally, there will have to be a hard border between Scotland and England. This will not be like the days when there were Scottish ministers in the UK Government, even a Scottish Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer, as well as all the other Scottish ministers and MPs in the London Parliament. In the EU you will have to do as we tell you, you will have no say, your handful of MEPs will have, like all the other MEPs, no influence- in fact you will have no independence at all so are you still happy to join?". "Definitely", said Nicola, "I will sell it as Scottish independence in the EU, I'm sure no one will notice if we can put those pretty little blue plaques with gold stars on loads of things stating they were all part funded by the EU".
"Ok" said the negotiator, the Scots have been done -well and truly"!